Newly Radicalized ‘23s Return Home En Masse to Wage War on Christmas

As December 25 approaches, all sides of the War on Christmas have resumed their annual hostilities, and Dartmouth College has churned out yet another batch of freshly converted first-years ready to join the fray for the first time—or switch sides altogether.

“Yeah, I had been a devout Christian, but after my first philosophy class I learned that God is dead and the Bible is a lie,” said James Devorne ’23. “Now I know that we must sweep the future clear of the lies of the past! Hail Satan!”

The ‘23s’ newfound objections to Christmas were not merely theological. “I hadn’t realized the extent to which Santa represented toxic masculinity and neoliberal redistributionism,” added Kathryn Jones, who had attended several of her WGSS lectures. “Now I know that it must be deconstructed before we can institute a Soviet Republic.”

Some students only defected after careful consideration, and even then with considerable reluctance. “I had always loved gingerbread houses,” confessed John McDermott ’23, “but I guess I’ll just have to go without them. After all, my government professor was right—there’s just no place for public displays of religiously-oriented cheeriness in a modern society.”

At press time, former members of the Christian Union were seen beating up on a 9-year-old Hanover resident in a Santa hat, while ex-College Republicans took axes to a nearby Nativity scene.

-EL’23