Porn Views Down as White People Instead Fantasize About Being Oppressed

As Americans look for ways to keep themselves entertained in isolation, porn sites expected an exponential growth in viewership; however, recent numbers have instead demonstrated a sharp decline in porn consumption. Industry experts believe this has to do with the growing population of white Americans choosing to abstain from porn in order to instead fantasize about being a marginalized group.

We spoke to long time oppression-fetishist and ex-porn enthusiast Michael Kirk for more insight into the life of an “oppressed” Caucasian man. In our conversation, Kirk confessed that, “Sometimes I just sit in my room, close my eyes and imagine being belittled at a Black Lives Matter March for trying to explain to the libs that ALL lives matter.” As his legs began to quiver, Kirk bit his lip and asked, “Who’s the oppressed one now?” He immediately proceeded to ask our crew for a moment alone.

We continued our research with Kirk’s neighbor Mark Tapper, who detailed how he was recently “brought to the light” when Kirk illustrated the persecution they face as opinionated, white men in America. When asked why his new fantasies steered him away from porn, Tapper told reporters, “How can I possibly derive any sort of satisfaction from videos that do nothing to highlight the resilience of me and my companions? You go on these sites and the titles are all ‘step bro this’ or ‘teacher that.’ It’s nothing we can relate to, nothing we can identify with,” explained Tapper. He then attempted to discreetly cover his groin with a nearby magazine and said, “Here’s an idea for a title, how about ‘Harmless white man attacked viscously on Twitter for defending his right to use the n-word’? Now THERE’S something I would watch.” Tapper then adjusted his waistband and asked for some privacy.

We followed up with a programmer at an undisclosed X-rated website, who confirmed that the site’s trending searches for the week were ‘Mexicans protesting Trump rally,’ ‘Reverse racism’, and ‘White man denied his freedom of speech by snowflakes upset at his proposal of an all-minority-encompassing slur.’

At press time, Kirk and Tapper opened incognito Google Chrome windows to sign a petition calling for White History Month.

-DAC ’23