Campus Plague Traced Back To Athlete’s Unwashed Powerade Bottle

Working tirelessly to find the source of the cold going around campus, Biology research assistants have finally found their answer: it originated in the bottom of an athlete’s Powerade water bottle that hasn’t ever seen the inside of a dishwasher. 

Research assistant Jamie Horne ’23 elaborated, “It actually isn’t a cold at all! After sampling an athlete’s Powerade bottle, I found a highly concentrated mold.” Horne, who is also on the women’s soccer team, took a swig from her own Powerade bottle, choking on a cough. When asked, she admitted that she too has never washed her bottle. “They gave me this last year but I don’t really know how I am supposed to wash it, you know. Athletes get a laundry service to keep our uniforms clean, and I assumed they would have given us a water bottle washing service if it was important.” Horne has used the same bottle since freshman fall.

At a morning strength training session at Floren, our reporters observed students randomly grab the infamous blue bottles, share them with friends, and accidentally drink from the wrong ones. Though it was hard to hear the interview over all of the coughing, our reporters spoke to a member of the men’s heavyweight rowing team who wished to remain anonymous. “I did notice a strange smell when I was drinking last week, but I didn’t really think much of it because the smell’s always kind of there, ya know? I do remember swallowing something weirdly clumpy though” He continued to explain that although he felt a little under the weather he still went out that weekend. “My teammates and I are always chugging from these things.” he stated while filling up his own bottle and handing it to a teammate on the rowing machine. When asked about the solids he seems to be swallowing while drinking, he alluded to the fact that it happens so often it’s almost weird when he doesn’t have to chew a little during water breaks. We have since learned that he is also now experiencing symptoms.

At press time, administrators ignored questions regarding the implementation of public dishwashers, instead gloating over the incredibly low COVID-19 numbers on campus at the moment despite that every single student is currently symptomatic.

– MM ’24