Student Misuses Coca-Cola Freestyle Machine, Sees God

Quite a calamity was made last Tuesday night in the Class of 1953 Commons when Riley Saxe ‘22 caused a tear in the fabric of the universe when he attempted to simultaneously pour Coke Zero and Diet Coke from one of the new Coca-Cola Freestyle Machines. In what witnesses are calling a “Divine Sign of the Times,” Saxe appears to have briefly summoned an omniscient and all-powerful force.

“There was a loud bang—and—and—and—and—a bright flash of every color—like—like—like—like—every color,” Darren Witzenfeld ‘23, witness to the incident, stammered in an interview “I—I—I—I—was just enjoying—my—my—my—my—swe3£€e€eee£et potato, and then—” At this point in the conversation, Witzenfeld entered a fit of compulsive shaking and giggling. We could only make out a few more key phrases, “RIVER—STYX—STRAWBERRY—FANTA” and “O FORTUNA, VELUT LUNA, STATU VARIABILIS,” before Witzenfeld lost consciousness. We have been informed that Witzenfeld has changed his major to Religion modified with SERAPHIC RAGE.

Dartmouth Dining Services (DDS) worker Annaliese Thorpe, also present last Tuesday for the divine intervention, described the encounter as “ᛏᚺᛖ ᛚᛟᚱᛞ ᚺᚨᛊ ᛞᛖᛊᚲᛖᚾᛞᛖᛞ ᚢᛈᛟᚾ ᚢᛊ” [THE LORD HAS DESCENDED UPON US] and “ᚨᛚᛚ ᛏᚺᛟᛊᛖ ᚹᚺᛟ ᛊᛁᚾᚾᛖᛞ ᚹᛁᛚᛚ ᛊᛁᚾ” [THOSE WHO HAVE SINNED WILL SIN ONCE MORE]. Fellow DDS employee Abel Young, out sick for the presence of the Eternal Lord, commented on her change in disposition: “Usually she’s complaining about students not pushing in their chairs, now she’s building monolithic circles of Freestyle machines,” gesturing to the ring of fountains now occupying Dark Side. Abel informed us that Thorpe was recently removed from her position after replacing ketchup in dispensers with the blood of virgins and using the ring of Freestyle machines to flood the Class of 1953 Commons with “ᚲᚺᛖᚱᚱᛁ ᚲᛟᚲᛖ ᛒᛁᛚᛖ ᛟᚠ ᚨ ᛚᛟᚱᛞ ᛗᛟᛊᛏ ᚹᚱᚨᛏᚺᚠᚢᛚ” [CHERRY COKE BILE OF A LORD MOST WRATHFUL]. After her termination, Thorpe commented, “ᛁ ᚺᚨᚢᛖ ᛊᛁᚾᚾᛖᛞ ᚨᚾᛞ ᛊᛟ ᚺᚨᚢᛖ ᛁᛟᚢ” [ I HAVE SINNED AND SO HAVE YOU] while painting “ᛏᚼᚬᛋᛅ ᚢᚼᚬ ᚴᛁᛚᛚ ᛏᚼᛅ ᛁᚾᚾᚬᚴᛅᚾᛏ ᚢᛁᛚᛚ ᛅᛅᛏ ᛏᚼᛅᛘᛋᛅᛚᚢᛅᛋ” [THOSE WHO KILL WILL THEMSELVES BE EATEN] in red Hi-C syrup on the doors to Foco’s Paganucci conference room.

“I don’t know why everyone’s making all this fuss,” Saxe commented. “Seeing God isn’t that hard, if you know what you’re looking for.”

– DK ’24