Zoo Thee Mama! Shakespeare Sleeps With Diary Of A Wimpy Kid Under His Pillow

Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely or anxious, I like to wander the streets of Stratford-upon-Avon, United Kingdom. This last Wednesday, as I strolled past Holy Trinity Church, I heard a curious noise from the graveyard. It almost sounded like someone was humming in tempo to iambic pentameter. I knew I had to go investigate. 

As I turned the corner, there I saw covered in frills and aged buttons was the once-thought-to-be-dead-but-apparently-now-alive English playwright William Shakespeare! But how did this happen? I was so confused, since I learned in school that he died in the year 1616! I realized at this point I was monologuing internally and not actually saying anything, so we were just staring at each other. It was awkward, so I did the only thing I could think of doing. I beckoned and said to Shakespeare, “come hither,” and hither he came. 

“Thine own apparel is quite odd, fair wench,” Shakespeare said. 

“This is so cool,” I told him in response. “Can I show you around the modern world?”

“I shall although methinks thou art a knave,” said Billy (I call him Billy now because we are friends).

As Shakespeare’s tour guide, I decided to take him to a book shop. After all, he’s Shakespeare! We had barely made it through the threshold before Billiam took off! A certain display in the back had caught his eye. He ran past the Jane Austen, Charles Dickens, and Leo Tolstoy displays. He spared not a glance at George Orwell, Ernest Hemmingway, and Mark Twain. Past the shelves of Dostoyevsky, Steinbeck, and Fitzgerald, Shakespeare found his own literary treasure: Jeff Kinney, author of Diary of a Wimpy Kid, Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Dog Days, Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Ugly Truth, and Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Long Haul, among others. 

“Fun fact, Jeff Kinney also created the virtual world and online game Poptropica,” I told him. 

“I commend thy knowledge though I care not. For confusion hath riddled my own brain,” Billy said as he flipped through Diary of a Wimpy Kid Book Two: Rodrick Rules.

“You should start with the first book,” I explained. “That way, you really get a deeper understanding of the power dynamic and relationship between Greg and Rowley.”
I ended up buying him 15 of the 16 books in the series, since I had Diary of a Wimpy Kid Book 6: Cabin Fever at home. Originally I was going to make him pay for them, but apparently he was not buried with a coin purse. I guess it’s hard to be the Bard!

“A beggar’s book outworths a noble’s blood,” he told me as his fingers traced the three cartoon lines of Greg’s hair. 

I wanted to call him out for using his own quote from Henry VIII, but he’s Shakespeare, but instead I just said “So true.” 

Shakespeare was yawning at this point. I guess coming back to life from the dead is tiring! Luckily I have a guest bedroom, where I set Billy up with a cup of tea and some Anne Hathaway movies, since his wife was named Anne Hathaway. But apparently he didn’t really like his wife. Luckily, modern Oscar-winning actress Anne Hathaway is not the same woman as Shakespeare’s wife, old, non-Oscar-winning actress Anne Hathaway. As far as I know. 

Before I turn out the lights, I see him take out Diary of a Wimpy Kid and tuck it under his pillow. I hope the brilliance of the novel seeps into his brain as he sleeps. He will dream of that little twerp Greg Heffley, but that’s okay. Because he is Shakespeare, and in his adventures he finds inspiration. 

As I closed the door, I heard him muttering in his sleep, “Manny, leave me alone for I won’t mar thee.” 

The End

—MF ’25