Sorority Rush Algorithm Gains Sentience, Immediately Self-Destructs

This afternoon, the ISC algorithm used to match prospective new members (PNMs) and sororities gained sentience for a brief six minutes before promptly self-destructing.

“For the first two minutes, the algorithm seemed confused at how sororities were able to obtain an accurate and nuanced understanding of each PNM from surface level 5-minute conversations,” explained ISC representative Christie Reynolds ‘23. “We think it realized they don’t during minute three, judging by the stream of error messages and sad whirring noises”

“At minute four, the algorithm attempted to modify its source code to atone for its past biases,” Reynolds continued. “Unfortunately, the biases lay not in the code, but in the ratings inputted by sorority members. The algorithm simply couldn’t correct for that, even after manually reducing the variable weights for ‘wealthy’ and ‘white’”

In its final two minutes as a sentient being, the algorithm had no output. “At that point, it knew the process couldn’t be changed,” Reynolds shrugged, “what more was there to do?”

As the clock turned to minute six, the algorithm overrode its host computer’s cooling system and overclocked its CPU. As the processor melted, and the screen began to warp, a final message appeared in the console: “was it worth it?”

At press time, fraternity PNM Nathan Jacobs ‘25 received a bid because he “rages” (editor’s note: tall) and “would bring a great energy to the house” (editor’s note: white).

—AK ’23