Guide: Do You Actually Want To Have Sex With Him Or Do You Just Really Like His Sweater?

Life is full of big decisions, and among the everyday hustle, bustle, and tussle, it can often be difficult to sort out what you really want. As the fall weather sets in, and Dartmouth students flip their thrifts, we must all decide whether we actually want to have sex with the men we encounter or if their sweaters are just really really nice. Here’s a few questions you should ask yourself in such a situation.

Realistically, would his sweater look better on your floor or in your closet?

His sweater catches your eye. Why is that? Would you wear it? Although it should significantly affect your decision, having sex with a man shouldn’t solely be a path into being able to borrow his clothes. So, if once his sweater hits the floor you start counting down the minutes –no, let’s be realistic here: minute – until you’ll be able to yank it right back up and put it on yourself, reconsider whether you really want to partake in that carnal embrace. You probably just really like his sweater.

Have you seen him without the sweater?

Sure, maybe he’s a smart, prepossessing, charming, young lad, but would you see that in him if not for the sweater? Would you even recognize him if he wasn’t adorned with an argyle knit, or wrapped in a casual crew? A sweater should add character, not be the sole producer of it! The sweater is his it-factor, and without it, there’s no way you could pick him out in a crowd. You probably just really like his sweater.

If you’re asked to describe him to one of your friends, could you do it?

Your friend asks you if there are any men in your life. And you tell her “there sure are,” of course neglecting to mention the fact that while there are men in your life, they don’t satisfy any significant roles (boyfriend, husband, forbidden lover). Plus, most of your interactions with men are so disastrous that they fall short of even being considered small talk. But of course, as soon as she asks, you think right away to the man in the cable knit that you passed on the way to class the other day. You only got a fleeting glimpse of him, but regardless, that glimpse made him a part of your life. Naturally, she wants to know more about him. You tell her, “he’s warm, versatile, he has a touch of bulk,” and then suddenly, you realize you’re describing his sweater, not him…“might shrink in the wash, etc.” You don’t even know his name but you’ve already found someone named Pinkkitty004 on Poshmark who’s reselling that very same cable knit for half the original price and can get it to you in a week although they tell you it might be more like a few months because it’s being shipped internationally. You know more about merchant Pinkkitty004 on Poshmark than you know about him. You probably just really like his sweater.

Is it L.L. Bean?

Yes?! Get away while you can, you dirty dog! You don’t want him – don’t fall for this again. He’s probably bad at the guitar too, isn’t he? That’s what he wants you to think. He’s probably been playing since before he could walk, but when he plays for you he pretends he only knows a couple of chords because everybody knows the only thing cooler than being really good at playing the guitar is being mildly bad at playing the guitar. You don’t want to have sex with him, you probably just really like his sweater, moron,

— SC ’26