Class of ‘23 Unqualified for Admission
At the end of last month, the Dartmouth admissions office reported that a record-low 7.9% of applicants qualified for admission into the Class of 2023. While it’s tempting to interpret a low acceptance rate as…
Articles by Jacko
New Study Finds That Free Food on the Collis Table Probably Rice
New findings published in the U.S. Annals of Clinical Nutrition estimate that the contents of the aluminum tray on the table outside of Collis Commonground are, in fact, most likely rice. The study, conducted by…
Dartmouth Clarifies That its Focus on Undergraduate Research Has Actually Been Focus on Research on Undergraduates
A recent clarification from the faculty at Dartmouth’s undergraduate advising and research center, UGAR, has made it clear that Dartmouth actually promotes research on undergraduate students, not research by undergraduates. “I don’t know why…
Playground Update: President Trump Called Iran “A Big Fat Stupidhead,” and Iran Didn’t Like That One Bit
In an official statement released by the White House this past Monday, the Trump administration has designated the Iranian government as a “big fat stupid head.” In response to the designation, Iran replied, “I know…
National Outrage Over Mistreatment of Avocados at Border
The Trump administration threatened on Friday to shut down the southern border with Mexico if illegal immigration continued. Analysts have warned that such a closure would disrupt billions of dollars in produce trade, especially with…
Responsible Friend Enjoying Trip To Frat
Audrey Rogers, ‘22, reported that they were enjoying themself on a sober trip with their friends through various Dartmouth fraternities. “Yeah, I’m so glad I’m obligated to take care of everyone tonight as we go…
Girl With Well-Organized Pencil Case “Definitely Failing”
Gabrielle Ramirez, ‘21, announced after leaving her bio classroom that she “definitely failed that quiz.” Ramirez is known to attend every lecture, asking questions and laying out her pens in rainbow order, along with her…
Hood Museum Reveals New Event Series: Art After Getting Sloshed on a Monday
Last Saturday, the newly renovated Hood Museum announced its new event series for the spring: Art After Getting Sloshed on a Monday. Doors will be open between the hours of 11PM and 1AM to welcome…
Guy In GOVT Class Plays Devil’s Advocate One Time Too Many, Becomes Satan Himself
Last Wednesday morning in Silsby 217, Brad Stevenson ‘22 shed his mortal skin for the flesh of Satan, also known as the devil, or Lucifer while voicing a controversial opinion without being prompted. This is…
Letter to the Editor: I Am a Concerned Dartmouth Mother, and I Can See Your Dickprint Through Your Sweatpants
This week I read a letter published in the Notre Dame Student newspaper entitled “The Legging Problem” written by a Catholic mother about her deep concern with the “blackly naked rear ends” of the Fighting…
Why the FUCK Do I Have To Save The Planet?
-KD ’21
Oh My God Becky I’m Like a Little Sick
Becky what the hell I told you to meet me here at KAF half an hour ago! I know I know I’m sorry. We don’t normally get up this early on Saturdays but I need…