Powerful Man Did Bad Thing This Week
Another powerful man was caught [insert Bad Thing here] this week, and he is nothing short of flabbergasted that he has to face the consequences of his actions. This man is [white, probably] and [in…
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Due to Safety Concerns From The Town of Hanover, 2018 Homecoming Bonfire Will Be Replaced With Lone Man Standing In The Middle Of The Green Yelling “Crackle Crackle, Burn”
Recent College communications have announced that, this year, there will be a series of changes made to the annual Homecoming bonfire. These alterations are meant to assuage concerns on behalf of the town of Hanover,…
QUIZ: Camper or ’20?
With so many young folks milling around campus these days, you’ve probably asked yourself, “is that a camper, or a ‘20?” Take this helpful questionnaire to figure out the answer You ask them what ‘Masters’…
Just Read the Fucking Book, Jared: from Your Chill Professor
Hey, Jared! I’m so glad you took the time to come to my office hours today. I love getting to talk to students one-on-one, especially when they’re enrolled in a class as big as ENGL1….
Male Undergraduate Wearing Two Pink Garments in One Outfit Almost Certainly Has Enormous Penis
In spite of long-standing cultural norms associating the color with femininity and womens’ fashion, Dartmouth senior James MacLaren spent the entire day Wednesday in a casual summertime getup containing two separate pieces of pink clothing,…
Most Important Member of Dartmouth Community Announces It’s Hot Outside
Jim Beekman, ’20, showed up to his Astro 2 class sweating last Monday. “It’s really hot outside,” Jim informed his class as he sat down. “Like, really hot.” The class appreciated the alert. “Where would…
I Have Discovered Thy “King Arthur Flour” and I Will Tolerate It No Longer: by King Arthur
Surely, thine enlightened souls of Dartmouth did not believe that the ruse could last forever, did thee? That I, King Arthur, defender of Britain and slayer of the Saxons, would never notice your once-holy institution…
TRUE PATRIOTISM! THIS FRESHMAN ATE AT FOCO EVERY DAY THIS WEEK BUT NEVER TOOK ANYTHING FROM THE INTERNATIONAL STATION!
IT’S A GREAT DAY FOR FREEDOM, MY FELLOW PATRIOTS. BILLY HART (’21) WENT TO FOCO EVERY DAY THIS WEEK, BUT NEVER EVEN TOUCHED THE INTERNATIONAL SECTION! FINALLY, SOMEONE FIGHTS BACK AGAINST THE LIBERAL COMMIE AGENDA…
Finally, a Realistic, Concrete Solution to This Whole “Gun Violence” Thing
A coalition of 12 states announced on Monday that they have found “the solution to this whole ‘gun violence’ thing.” According to the press release, “all men wishing to purchase a gun will need to…
Hanover Police Describes Green Key Arrest Count as “Underwhelming”
The Hanover Police Department released on Thursday the arrest count for this year’s Green Key Weekend at Dartmouth. Green Key, officially the College’s spring music festival, has gained a colloquial reputation for outrageous parties, excessive…
We Are Here Because We Want to Learn About Poetry: By The Bears
Hello everyone! We are the bears. Some of you have noticed that we have recently been spending a lot of time around Hanover. You may have been hearing some rumors about why we came here…
Suck On This, DDS! KAF Announces Transition to Sippy Cups
Beginning this month, Dartmouth Dining Services (DDS) locations have made the switch from plastic drinking straws to biodegradable paper ones. While the paper straws are part of a push for sustainability, students have complained that…