I Would Do Anything To Become A Vizier
Picture this: you’re standing with your arms folded behind your back, slightly to the right of the most powerful guy around and, by God, you’ve got a scheme. You’re the king’s most trusted adviser. Sounds…
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Report: Campus Sidewalks Slicker than Cat Shit on Linoleum Floor
Wintry conditions over the past weeks have left a layer of glare ice on many campus sidewalks, making the walkways slicker than cat shit on a freshly-waxed linoleum floor. “I almost completely wiped out on…
I Swear I Am the Lone Pine Stump, Please Don’t Murder Me
Hello onlooker passerby that are crossing through the center of the Green, it is I, the Lone Pine stump that is totally not the former Christmas tree. Oh, don’t be silly, you know who I…
House community events to be planned by rich, absent fathers from the 1950s
House community events will now be planned by a committee of 1950s businessmen who are attempting to buy the affection of their estranged families, the Residential Life office announced on Friday. The committee members, who…
UGAs Not Thrilled with Life Choices
A new survey of Undergraduate Advisors at Dartmouth College reveals that most are not thrilled with the life choices that led them to become UGAs. “I was a babysitter in high school, so I figured…
Thank God You Took A Picture of Baker Tower in the Snow
I genuinely would not have known that it snowed or, jeez, even realized what the library looks like, without you and your consistent documentation. We don’t have many things we can count on any more–not…
I Am Sorry You are Trying to Study, But I Just Have to Relocate the Entire Hanover Inn Kitchen to the Quietest Part of the Library
Hello, student! Don’t mind me, bringing in all of my cooking equipment. I work at the Hanover Inn, but I am here now, in your Baker-Berry Library. I know that the 1902 Room is where…
The Fraternities: Ranked, But By Architecture
12. Bones Gate I’m just going to say what we are all thinking. BG is fucking ugly. I hate their dumpster fire of a yard. I hate the general state of disrepair. I hate the…
Dartmouth Democrats to Stop Encouraging Men to Vote
In the wake of this past November’s midterm elections, which saw mixed results for both parties, the Dartmouth Democrats have announced several strategic changes for upcoming election years. In particular, the club will no longer…
Conservative Grandfather Delighted To Learn That College-Aged Granddaughter Shares His Political Views
Larry Phisher, 73, was delighted to learn that his granddaughter Shelly Phisher, 21, still shared his radically conservative political views at their holiday gathering. “It’s great to know some kids still have some sense. I…
Hanlon Assures Students Dartmouth Will Pay Exactly How Much This Whole Sexual Assault Thing Costs But Not One Sixpence More
In an email to members of the Dartmouth Community last week, President Phil Hanlon ’77 demonstrated his commitment to fixing that whole sexual assault oopsie. “We will devote the resources needed to fix this issue,”…
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