I Cannot Go To School Today
After Shel Silverstein’s Sick: I cannot go to school today, Said Dartmouth students in a fray. Wall Street Journal put us so low, My self esteem just took a blow. Of the best, we’re just…
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A Reflection on ChatGPT
The presence of ChatGPT has been growing steadily in Attie Rimmel ‘25’s life. “Well, I first used ChatGPT super minimally. Honestly, just to help me do background research for classes. But then I realized the…
New Update to Duo Push
To increase security on campus, SNS will now be requiring Duo Push, the two-factor authentication system students currently use to log in to Darthub and their email, in numerous other scenarios as well. “My orgo…
Phil Hanlon Announces “Retirement” Was A Ruse to Reveal The Disloyal
On Sunday, the Dartmouth community gathered on the green to pay tribute to retiring President Hanlon. After a short introduction, Hanlon himself was scheduled to give a short speech. Laughing as he stepped forward to…
President Biden Appoints Fancy Pelussy As Secretary Of Realness
In a bold move amid the controversies over drag laws in Tennessee and Texas, President Biden has officially added a new position to his cabinet: the Secretary of Realness. The inaugural appointee to the position…
DDS Announces: New Reduced Cost “Burger” Special
After recent complaints about price changes, Dartmouth Dining Services has decided to appropriately adjust the prices of our late night dining options to better meet the needs of the Dartmouth community. We are proud to announce…
Congressional Committee Determines New COVID-19 Variant Started In Chi Gam Hot Tub
A new congressional committee charged with investigating the origins of the COVID-19 virus has already yielded results. Preliminary findings indicate that the currently dominant XBB.1.5 omicron strain first mutated in none other than the Chi…
The Collis Meatball Disparity
This past year, Dartmouth removed student loan requirements for families making less than $125,000. This step has been praised as an important stride towards an equitable campus. However, students note it pales in comparison to…
President Abraham Lincoln Re-Assassinated for “Polarizing and Extreme Progressivism”
Just a week after his revival by the Secretary of Necromancy, President Lincoln has been assassinated by political reactionaries for a second time. Under custody, one assailant Richard Pluck said, “He was a total extremist!…
Freak Athlete Darth Killjack IV ’26 May Just Be A Freak
With the conclusion of the 2022 Dartmouth football season, the team can look back at some of its great moments and plays made by their star players. Particularly one player, Darth Killjack IV ‘26. Killjack…
Top Seven McLaughlin Snack Bar Instant Ramens!
7. Buldak Artificial Spicy Chicken Flavor (Samyang) This Korean import has a thin, unpleasant broth. Too spicy and too immaterial to have much flavor, all that one is left with after a taste is heartburn….
Tuck Board Of Admissions Imposes New Application Fee Of Candidate’s Soul
The Tuck Graduate School of Business released a statement Monday announcing that they will be getting rid of their $250 application fee in an attempt to make applying to Tuck more inclusive for lower-income students….