Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing: Dartmouth Conservatives Play Progressive to Obtain Liberal Coochie? 

In the first weeks of school, the Dartmouth College Democrats have reported unprecedented turnout at their weekly meetings. However, according to senior member Sam Stevens ‘20, “some attendees aren’t here for progressive policies; they’re here for coochie”. 

Stevens’ suspicions were first raised when he saw a self-proclaimed Elizabeth Warren supporter sporting “khakis, loafers and a vineyard vines polo shirt”. But Stevens only contacted our investigative reporting team after spotting Ayn Rand’s Atlas Shrugged peeking out of a Harris volunteer’s backpack; 

“Yeah, he had a Planned Parenthood pin, but you can’t make a zebra by painting stripes on a horse”. 

Our investigative reporter Daniel Rubins ‘21 headed to the golf course to speak to Dartmouth’s conservative community about the allegations. 

Warren Buckley III ’20, a Dartmouth Review editor who spent the weekend at a Divest Dartmouth meeting commented, “Our national deficit is absolutely massive, but it’s nothing compared to Amanda’s ass in those yoga pants”. Buckley was later seen wearing both he/him/his and she/her/hers pronoun buttons. 

Dartmouth student and gun-rights advocate Charles Holstead ‘22 lamented “the morning after we first hooked up, my girlfriend and I went to the March Against Gun Violence”. Shrugging, Holstead continued “the only thing that surpasses my 2nd amendment rights is my right to hit that a second time.”

At press time, Dartmouth College Republicans were seen hanging a Planned Parenthood banner at their weekly meeting.

 

-AK ’23