Plywood Shortage Escalates As Dartmouth Students Build Pong Tables En Masse

BREAKING NEWS: A nation-wide plywood shortage has caused deforestation rates to hit an all-time high. The cause of this extensive environmental damage has been traced to “those elite Dartmouth assholes who can’t just play pong on regular ping-pong tables.” With the news of the canceled summer and potentially fall terms, Dartmouth students have begun creating pong tables at home. As a result, plywood has become increasingly scarce and prices now exceed that of mahogany.

“What am I supposed to do – NOT play pong for a couple months?” says Bryce Barnes ‘22. “My skills are gonna get rusty!” Many ‘23s have begun to build their own as well, believing brushing up on their pong skills will make up for their total lack of Psi U connections when it comes to rush. “I’m gonna come back and be an absolute BEAST,” says every student with a pong table at home.

Dartmouth students do not appear to be stopping anytime soon. They have become more creative in their ways of obtaining plywood, cutting down an alarming number of trees in order to make their own tables. Scientists say that if this continues, the Amazon rainforest will soon be reduced by 37%. Increased levels of greenhouse gasses have been reported due to PBD (pong-based deforestation).

For now, only time will tell how great the consequences of PBD will be. But at least Bryce will be an absolute BEAST when he returns to campus.


-FP ’23

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