Report: Dartmouth’s Testing Plan Fails To Include Over 1,200 Students Living In Vast Tunnel Network Beneath The College

An investigation has revealed that Dartmouth’s COVID-19 testing program, a crucial part of its reopening plan, will exclude 1,237 students who are making residence in the vast network of tunnels, burrows, and caves that underlie surface civilization in Hanover, NH.

It’s unclear how the College’s 2020-2021 Planning Form missed so many subterranean students, but it may be chalked up to privacy concerns in the underground community. Anthropology lecturer Dan Tupper, who lived among the underpeople explains that these denizens are an ancient and secretive society. “We’re not sure what draws them to Dartmouth. What is clear is that they maintain an air of mystery about their affairs, whether in terms of fall residency or the nature of their beloved Cavity Mother.”

College administration has been made aware of this issue and has assured reporters that they are looking into solutions. When reached for comment, Prof. Conrad Hagel, House Professor of Tunnel House, expressed his concern. “Dartmouth College has been serving the Under Valley community for years,” he said. “We can’t forget our responsibility to granite-dwellers. Not now, not after all they’ve done for us.”

At a virtual Hanover town hall, City Councilor Erica Rouney echoed these concerns. Rouney confirmed that local tunnel people are a high-risk population. “Their immune systems are remarkably formidable against liver slugs, pincer warts, and the like, but their defences against viruses are less developed,” she said. “The College’s plan must ensure the safety of the underlings, we must remember the debt we owe them.”

As for the undersurface community, they have not been very forthcoming with reaction to the news. However, reporters were able to make contact with one low ranking dredger-grunt in the heating vents beneath the Alumni Gym. Asking to go unnamed, she told reporters, “Followers of mighty Cavity Mother fear not air-lover disease. When we make home inside smooth granite of Cavity Mother, she protects us from evil. We delved before frail surface-kind, we will delve after. Accept loving Cavity Mother, or else do not cross below. Yearn not for torment’s histories to repeat.”

Our contact then unsheathed her talons and bore into the ventilation, but not before asking for clarification about whether Dartmouth would be offering an under-campus meal plan this year.

 

-GA ’21