Make Womb: Divine Vengance In An Age of Anti-Abortion Legislation

Recent reports indicate that in an act of classic Old Testament omnipotence, God intervened against Mississippi’s latest anti-abortion legislation, which many link to the mysterious disappearances of several prominent conservative figures across the country. 

According to an anonymous source, God answered the prayers of seven people at midnight last Sunday and bestowed upon them the power of “Repregnification,” stating, “Take this gift, my children, and absorb into thy wombs the flesh of the corrupt, who restrict thine forms in my name.”  

They aptly call themselves The Repregnifiers and have been delivering vigilante justice in the back alleys of state capitals for weeks. 

No one knows quite how the process begins or exactly how they are chosen, but so far, the missing politicians were all, oddly enough, straight white fundamentalist Christians with an average age of fifty-eight.

One of The Reabsorbed, lawyer Catherine Conrad, told local outlets, “As a wife, mother, American Christian, and active member of the Pro-Life Lady Patriots, it is my duty to protect the unborn.”

When asked how she planned on supporting them when fully born, Conrad replied, “Just put the babies to work. They don’t go to school for their first five years, anyway. A restaurant baby could even get a free meal during his shifts with Sundays off. America is the land of opportunity. It is high time they started earning their keep around here.”

The next day, a note was left in front of her office, “We’ll deliver her unemployment benefits to the womb.”

Another one of The Reabsorbed, Rep. William Rye (R), stated before his disappearance, “It just makes me so dang angry. The Roe and the V and the Wade and the lady hats and the lady parts and it makes the females all think that they just get to use those parts as they please. That’s not in The Constitution! No real man constituted that!” 

Thirty six hours later, only his spectacles remained. 

Some amateur forensic analysts have suggested that The Repregnifiers possess “hormones” to lure the theocratic tyrants. Others believe that they have found stray trails of gift baskets from lobbyists used to lead them within wombs-reach.

One befuddled man-on-the-street claimed to have witnessed the act of Repregnification, “It was incredible. I mean, they just hoisted him up there. One minute he was on the ground, next thing you know, he was in the air. It was like watching a snake slurp up its prey. Or an octopus. A jellyfish maybe? But the way their muscles moved. And the sounds! It was like—” he ingested the air like a weathered vacuum, “No no no, that’s not right. It was more like—” he proceeded to make sucking noises like an inverted ocean wave, adding a pop! at the end for good measure, “Yeah, that’s it.” 

The man grew quiet for a few moments, staring off into the distance, “I always figured there was a hatch of some sort.”

While many have called for the arrest of The Repregnifiers for the count of third degree murder, Mississippi Attorney General Linda Finch released a statement declining to investigate the case on account of religious freedom. 

At press time, Warner Martin, spokesperson for the Coalition For Christian Voices, consisting of current and former Republican Congressmen, delivered a speech decrying the decision from the Mississippi state government:

“We call upon the good people of Mississippi to deliver justice to Mrs. Conrad and Rep. Rye and many others, whose fates are held in the wombs of these faceless criminals. What horrors, what pains do they face in there? And who gave them the right in this democracy? God? Let’s be reasonable here. We all know about the separation of Church and State. It is high time we be reasonable about its importance in the governance of our society.”

– VQ ’24