The administration has released its style guidelines for any new educational buildings on campus, as maintained by “The Committee of Men Who Keep the Old Traditions from Failing but Really Just Get Shitfaced at their…
This paper’s foreign correspondents have corroborated accounts of starving children all over Yemen weeping while watching broadcasts of the Notre Dame cathedral’s conflagration. Said Amin Al-Fawad, a fifteen-year old who gets his meals from relief…
Eyewitness reports say Devon Jennings, prospective ‘23, was paying far more attention to Amelia Evans, ‘23, than the official Dartmouth dimensions programming. While the majority of other students watched the dancing and performance specially performed…
Last Saturday afternoon, Maddie Holt, 19, attended her first ever pride parade. Holt, who fellow parade-goers described as “the most privileged cishet you’ll ever meet,” claimed that the annual celebration of the LGBT community was…
Eyewitnesses report that during 12s last Wednesday, Math 13 professor Michael Stornetti introduced increasingly threatening examples of when he would quiz his Math 13 students. “Now, Jeremy, if I stopped you on the street and…
At the end of last month, the Dartmouth admissions office reported that a record-low 7.9% of applicants qualified for admission into the Class of 2023. While it’s tempting to interpret a low acceptance rate as…
New findings published in the U.S. Annals of Clinical Nutrition estimate that the contents of the aluminum tray on the table outside of Collis Commonground are, in fact, most likely rice. The study, conducted by…
A recent clarification from the faculty at Dartmouth’s undergraduate advising and research center, UGAR, has made it clear that Dartmouth actually promotes research on undergraduate students, not research by undergraduates. “I don’t know why…
In an official statement released by the White House this past Monday, the Trump administration has designated the Iranian government as a “big fat stupid head.” In response to the designation, Iran replied, “I know…
The Trump administration threatened on Friday to shut down the southern border with Mexico if illegal immigration continued. Analysts have warned that such a closure would disrupt billions of dollars in produce trade, especially with…
Audrey Rogers, ‘22, reported that they were enjoying themself on a sober trip with their friends through various Dartmouth fraternities. “Yeah, I’m so glad I’m obligated to take care of everyone tonight as we go…
Gabrielle Ramirez, ‘21, announced after leaving her bio classroom that she “definitely failed that quiz.” Ramirez is known to attend every lecture, asking questions and laying out her pens in rainbow order, along with her…