To my beloved, This letter may come as a surprise, for you are doubtlessly unaware of my existence. Waiting patiently by the dryers, I have yet to have the honor of your presence. But alas,…
In a recent interview, when asked about his girlfriend’s study habits, Brody Sanderson ’24 instead explained his love for his girlfriend, Eliza McManthers ’24, citing her “genius, kindness, and beauty.” “She’s so nice and pretty….
Howdy Darties! As you may now know, Dartmouth Dining Services (DDS) is rolling out an exciting new system that will replace both meal swipes and Dining Dollars called DDS-Coin. We’ve attached a list of frequently…
Dartmouth college administrators, who had previously considered the student housing shortage insoluble, were shocked Monday to return to work and find a solution scrawled in messy yet earnest handwriting on a blackboard in Parkhurst Hall. …
An overwhelming ambiance of cooperation has overcome the Dartmouth campus as students have come together to end climate change once and for all. For only $10, students have the opportunity to buy an incredibly convenient…
Prince Andrew received a colossal gut punch January 13 when his military titles, along with his public acclaim, were rescinded as a result of a sexual abuse civil lawsuit. Because of the recent court rulings,…
Snow, snow, there’s finally snow!Seuss’s fun email sure did make me glow!As a wee freshman I hoped for the night,When I could get out for my first snowball fight! The clock approached twelve and I…
Take everything you know about “wake and bake” and throw it out the window. It’s that time of the morning, when your poor sleep schedule has hit you like a bag of bricks. Your professor’s…
This past weekend, a team of researchers in Jerusalem announced the unearthing of archeological evidence which complicated Pope Francis’ recent statement that having pets instead of children is “selfish”. The discovery, the remains of Jesus’…
Described by her coworkers as a “frigid bitch,” local woman Isabella Sugiarto has not had a pleasant week, as she was encapsulated entirely in a block of ice. Coworker Robert Wigley was especially cruel. “Ugh,…
Recent reports indicate that in an act of classic Old Testament omnipotence, God intervened against Mississippi’s latest anti-abortion legislation, which many link to the mysterious disappearances of several prominent conservative figures across the country. According…
Last week, the U.S. Navy launched a super duper large boat that was named after Harvey Milk, legendary gay rights activist and elected supervisor of San Francisco. The super duper large boat is a replenishment…