Recent sightings find that one ’23, Ethan Chen, was spotted working at FoCo, sacrificing all leisure activities in near-monastic pursuit of absolute efficiency. This has led the student body to the objective conclusion that Chen…
Months of research and study have culminated in the history department’s release of a 250-page report proving definitively that the prominent Roman leader Julius Caesar did not actually attend Dartmouth and in truth had…
Twas the night before GDXmas and all through the frat Not a creature was stirring, not even a gnat The white claws were put in the big fridge with care With hopes that desperate 23s…
After the club meeting ended yesterday evening, one student realized a water bottle was left behind, not knowing whose it was. “I saw it and I wondered, ‘is this ours? Or, like, was this here…
It’s one week after Halloween, and our reporters hit the campus streets to find out which costumes Dartmouth students thought were the scariest. “Emma Wu’s zombie costume sent shivers down my spine!” says Mathew Jennings…
Brianna Evans, ‘23, dancing in a campus fraternity drunk, showed herself to be an absolute embarrassment to humanity. Sources speculate that Evans had no plans for her future and no hope to be respected in…
What a pleasant surprise, Perry. And by surprise I mean… NOT A SURPRISE AT ALL! Here is my Dartmouth Strategic Master Plan to take over the tri-state area. You’ll see it on this easel-inator 3000…
Extensive investigation has confirmed that most of your friends who have been self identifying as “upper middle class, I guess,” are in fact exceptionally affluent. “I mean, my family is comfortable?” said your friend Lilian…
Dartmouth students who have realized they aren’t interesting or individuals have turned to instead drinking seltzers. “At Dartmouth I met all of these amazing people and realized that I didn’t have a personality,” says Kyle…
Around 11:58 last night, Marcella Moore ‘21, stood at the register of Collis Market with a box of blueberries. Upon her being informed by the cashier that she was negative in Dash, she stared at…
“Making these discoveries and knowing what lies light-years beyond the Milky Way has been the most gratifying experience of my life,” said Micks in his lab. He sighed, ran his hand through a pile of…
High school football prospects at Saturday’s matchup between the two Ivy League football powerhouses report being swayed by Dartmouth’s massive win, more successful housing system. Gordon Crowley, father of Hingham High starting cornerback Max Crowley…