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Finance Fail! Phil Hanlon Spent The Entire “Call to Lead” Fund Trying to Reunite The Beatles for Green Key
Earlier this week, Dartmouth students, faculty, and alumni alike rejoiced at some of the most exciting news to come from the College Advancement Office in recent memory: Over the past few years, Dartmouth had successfully…
Programming Board Announces Plan to Revamp Green Key Ticketing System After Learning that Six Hundred Members of the Incoming Class of 2022 Have No Wrists
Despite receiving positive feedback from students, guests, and campus security officials alike regarding its current Green Key ticketing system, Dartmouth’s undergraduate Programming Board announced via campus-wide email last weekend that it would be forced to…
Music Review: How Kanye West’s song “Lift Yourself” bravely tackles the issues surrounding the Scoop-Diddy-Whoop conflict, and why no one else is talking about it
It’s not hard to understand why everyone is talking about Kanye West’s new song “Lift Yourself.” To the uninitiated, the song merely sounds like Kanye had a stroke while dropping the bars that he promised…
Everybody Wants to Talk About Undergraduate Housing But No One Ever Asks About My 573 Pages Of Daniel Webster Fan Fiction: By Phil Hanlon
As President, I have often heard from students who are worried about on-campus housing. From comments about the room draw process to criticisms of the upkeep of dorm buildings, I’ve heard it all, and I…
Dartmouth to Replace ‘Good Sam’ Policy with Natural Selection
After spending several decades as a core part of Dartmouth’s alcohol and drug policy, the Good Samaritan clause will no longer be in effect, President Hanlon announced last week. In its place, as part of…
Area Fraternity Member Promises His Frat Isn’t Like the Others
Speaking from his pong table last night, local nice guy and fraternity member Simon Reynolds claimed his frat isn’t like the others on Webster Avenue. “I mean, speaking from experience, there are just a lot…
Oh, you’re writing a thesis? I wrote 95 of them, bitch: by Martin Luther
Oh, you’re writing a thesis? Well, I have some news for you. You may be writing a thesis, but I wrote 95 of them, bitch. Before I start, I just want to point out…
Giant Pile of Ice Joins Class of 2022
A giant pile of ice has been accepted to the Dartmouth Class of 2022, according to Admissions officials who released application decisions on Thursday. The huge and dirty mound of ice, which currently resides along…
Pulse partners with new sponsor, the Lord Almighty
The popular survey app Pulse announced today that they have partnered with God, the omnipotent being that has existed since the beginning of time. “We’ve been trying to reach out to Him for a long…
Making a difference: This Dartmouth student found a used condom outside her dorm and nursed it back to health
Every student at Dartmouth has witnessed the all-too-common scene of an expended condom lying on the sidewalk. The problem is usually framed as a public health and sanitation issue; however, there’s another rarely discussed side…
I Am the Darth Vader Snow Sculpture. It Has Been Three Weeks, I Have Seen Some Shit, and I Am Ready to Die
You cruel bastards. You heartless sons of bitches. You all brought me here with smiles on your faces and joy in your hearts, you made me the centerpiece of a legendary campus tradition, and then…