“My daughter can’t meet her husband in quarantine,” worries mother of 24 blissfully unaware of what Dartmouth boys are like

Dartmouth 24s arriving on campus this September face a harsh reality of isolation. In addition to the expected loneliness of transitioning into college, students will also be physically quarantined. For one new Dartmouth mother, self-isolating and social distancing raise a pressing issue; Carol Rutgers of Jamestown, Rhode Island mistakenly believes that the reason her daughter Maisie Rutgers ‘24 will not meet her husband in Hanover is Coronavirus and not Dartmouth men.

“Now I know you are going to make fun of me, call me old fashioned,” explains Carol, “but I think you ladies should really be taking advantage of the Dartmouth dating pool. These are nice boys, and they’re going to be doctors and lawyers; now is your best chance to snatch them up.”

As Carol says this, Ian Jaffe ‘24, the boy Maisie would have kissed at a Frat Ban Choates party, snuggles his high school girlfriend, Quinn. Maisie would have found out about Quinn the next morning while stalking his Instagram tagged pictures, and Ian would have gone on to cheat on Quinn for six more months.

“Look, I know Dr. Fauci says this social distancing stuff is serious, but how is Maisie going to make connections if she can’t go to mixers? And with the fraternities closed, will she never meet any older boys?” Carol continues.

As Carol elaborates, Ajay Patel ‘23, the boy that would have taken Maisie to his fraternity formal this fall because his pledge class had to ask hot freshmen girls, is hammered at 1 PM playing golf and lamenting “how little pussy the boys will be getting because of COVID.” Maisie would have declined to sleep with Ajay after formal, and he would then avoid eye contact with her for the next three years.

“My husband, Maisie’s father, was a Dartmouth ‘84. I went to Smith, of course, but I came up for Winter Carnival with some girlfriends my sophomore year ready to meet the man I was going to marry. And I just did!” Carol says nostalgically.

As the interview concludes, Garrett Fordham ‘24, the boy that Maisie would have dated for four years beginning their Senior Fall, rewatches The Wolf of Wall Street for the nineteenth time. On their official four year anniversary, Garrett would have considered proposing to her, panicked, and immediately dumped her, telling her that his finance job made him too busy for something serious. He would marry someone else within the year.

-IC ‘22