This past weekend, a team of researchers in Jerusalem announced the unearthing of archeological evidence which complicated Pope Francis’ recent statement that having pets instead of children is “selfish”. The discovery, the remains of Jesus’…
Described by her coworkers as a “frigid bitch,” local woman Isabella Sugiarto has not had a pleasant week, as she was encapsulated entirely in a block of ice. Coworker Robert Wigley was especially cruel. “Ugh,…
Recent reports indicate that in an act of classic Old Testament omnipotence, God intervened against Mississippi’s latest anti-abortion legislation, which many link to the mysterious disappearances of several prominent conservative figures across the country. According…
Last week, the U.S. Navy launched a super duper large boat that was named after Harvey Milk, legendary gay rights activist and elected supervisor of San Francisco. The super duper large boat is a replenishment…
We’ve all been there. You just sat down to study in your favorite quiet spot on campus, but oh, no! To get started on your work, you need to unzip that noisy backpack! Here’s how…
In an act of selfless generosity, your friends decided to stay with you at Foco despite having just finished their meals. Although the upstairs seating was your last resort after failing to find anyone downstairs,…
Quite a calamity was made last Tuesday night in the Class of 1953 Commons when Riley Saxe ‘22 caused a tear in the fabric of the universe when he attempted to simultaneously pour Coke Zero…
Well, hello there. Don’t think I haven’t noticed you staring at me from across the room. Those piercing blue eyes are impossible to miss. Not that I mind your attention, of course. I came to…
Working tirelessly to find the source of the cold going around campus, Biology research assistants have finally found their answer: it originated in the bottom of an athlete’s Powerade water bottle that hasn’t ever seen…
Dear Auntie Jacko, Hi! It’s me again. Well, there’s no easy way to say this, but The Boyfriend is still at it. I tried the advice you gave me last month. I really did. I…
A recent survey of Dartmouth’s STEM departments reported that while some lab components are meant to further students’ understanding, the vast majority are intended to show students that science is hard and they are dumb….
Local sources can confirm that a heated debate over the gastronomical merits of various popular dining spots in campus was substantially weakened by the nutritional failures of each and every participant. “Well, it started alright,…