Many are saying it is high time for Mr. Trump to look back to Franklin Delano Roosevelt’s example to deal with COVID-19. That said, we must be cautious, for if FDR were alive today, he…
Chase Jenkins ’21 has stepped up the dick pic game by converting his jpgs to pdfs before sending, a much classier and sophisticated alternative to the .img files of the past. “I think I’m really…
After much reflection, I have found my conscience requires me to bring to light a grave wrong in our community. This injustice was apparent upon my first visit to a fraternity, where I overheard a…
The following is an excerpt from the official Jack-o-Lantern advice column, “Jack-o-Landing that Lady.” Dear Auntie Jacko, I think I found the one. And the best part? She approached…
As part of our series about college students adapting to life at home, this week we interview Ethan, who has had to deal with the harsh reality that his mother won’t hit his Juul. “Bro,…
The COVID-19 pandemic and subsequent national stay-at-home orders have disrupted the social and romantic routines of millions of Americans. These unprecedented circumstances have hit particularly hard for Dartmouth student Jeremy Higgins ‘22, who laments the…
Jimplin’s Mustard Hut has permanently closed its doors due to the COVID-related absence of its usually hungry customers. Jimplin Greegs, resident mustard connoisseur and occasional heartthrob, announced his decision this morning by scrawling illegible messages…
The cancellation of spring term has been a living nightmare for Dartmouth students in every way. This Green Key, Jacko is thinking a lot about how sad we are that we can’t bring back our…
First: We get it. We hate making these Decisions as much as you hate hearing them, probably, we assume. Unfortunately, this Reason and this other Reason make this Decision much out of our control. We…
This afternoon, Dartmouth College announced that it is cancelling in person classes during the summer of 2020 due to concerns related to the COVID-19 pandemic and the difficulty of social distancing on campus. Though this…
Dartmouth College’s transition to remote learning has closed campus, but undergraduate students are continuing to drink excessively, now at home. Unfortunately, such alcoholism is no longer fun and instead seems profoundly depressing. “Yeah, I miss…
Local man Terry Zhou, following a raging Wikipedia-page bender, has recently reached the conclusion that although 19-year-old Joan of Arc single-handedly redefined France’s geopolitical landscape, she really could have smiled more. “I mean, sure, Joan…