This Novack Salad Atones For All My Misdeeds
This Novack salad atones for all my bad choices and will save my health. Maybe I have made some mistakes, but this Novack salad will fix all of that. Even though I haven’t eaten a…
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College Announces Release of Foco Flavored Condoms
Dartmouth recently announced the upcoming release of condoms flavored based off of student favorites at the Class of 1953 Commons, or Foco. Head of the project Janet Prushner stated, “We wanted to merge together the…
Student Appalled at Intramural Basketball Teammates’ Lack of Effort
Christian Cohen ’20 of East Wheelock’s intramural basketball team is fed up with his teammates’ casual approach to the low-consequence intramural activity. Reporters caught up with Cohen during a recent practice to talk about his…
Report: Sexual Misconduct Lawsuit Creating Hostile Environment Where Administration Members Have to Hear about Sexual Misconduct All the Time
Recent interviews have revealed an environment of difficulty, discomfort, and fear in McNutt Hall’s offices as accusations of ignoring sexual misconduct put Dartmouth administration higher-ups in the uncomfortable position of hearing about sexual misconduct. Said…
How to Set Boundaries with Your Roommate about Sex and the Dark Arts
When sharing a living space, communication is not a privilege, it’s a necessity. We all come from different backgrounds, and we all have different levels of comfort with certain aspects of our private lives. You know exactly what I mean, so…
A Humble Public Service Announcement: There Are Too Many Muffin Flavors at Novack Café
I must bring to your attention a true crisis in our community: there are too many muffin flavors at Novack Café. After all, what are they trying to prove? No one goes to Novack to…
Help! Lost Virginity! DM Me if Found!
Hey guys, I’m really sorry for yet another lost items post in this group, but I lost my virginity at Beta last night and I would really appreciate if whoever has it could return it…
Eight Ways to Protest the Dinesh D’Souza Talk, One for Each Month He Spent in Prison
8. Start a question by citing one of his actual quotes, including but not limited to: “So Rosa Parks wouldn’t sit in the back of the bus–that’s all she did, so what’s the big fuss?”…
So Trent Fucked Your Friend, Now What?
So, Trent fucked your friend. You’re probably wondering what this means, namely: how can you possibly move on? Here’s our seven-point plan for coping with this big change to your life by becoming Trent’s stepmother….
Becky, Oh My God, I Fell on the Ice!
Oh my gosh, Becky, hi! I knew I’d find you here in KAF, you’re so bad! How was your midterm? Whatever, I don’t care. Anyways, I have the craziest story to tell you. You know…
So You’ve Been Possessed by the Ghosts of Hall & Oates. Now What?
It appears you’ve been possessed by the ghosts of Darryl Hall and John Oates. You’re probably scared, and confused, and got lots of questions. Fear not—this is treatable. Let’s start with the facts. You’re probably…
English Professor too Excited to Discuss Racist Text Today
“I am so excited,” Professor Leonard Warrington of the English and Creative Writing Department said as you walked into class today. “This text is terrible, it’s racist and sexist and classist and it has lots…