In an act of selfless generosity, your friends decided to stay with you at Foco despite having just finished their meals. Although the upstairs seating was your last resort after failing to find anyone downstairs,…
Quite a calamity was made last Tuesday night in the Class of 1953 Commons when Riley Saxe ‘22 caused a tear in the fabric of the universe when he attempted to simultaneously pour Coke Zero…
Well, hello there. Don’t think I haven’t noticed you staring at me from across the room. Those piercing blue eyes are impossible to miss. Not that I mind your attention, of course. I came to…
Working tirelessly to find the source of the cold going around campus, Biology research assistants have finally found their answer: it originated in the bottom of an athlete’s Powerade water bottle that hasn’t ever seen…
Dear Auntie Jacko, Hi! It’s me again. Well, there’s no easy way to say this, but The Boyfriend is still at it. I tried the advice you gave me last month. I really did. I…
A recent survey of Dartmouth’s STEM departments reported that while some lab components are meant to further students’ understanding, the vast majority are intended to show students that science is hard and they are dumb….
Local sources can confirm that a heated debate over the gastronomical merits of various popular dining spots in campus was substantially weakened by the nutritional failures of each and every participant. “Well, it started alright,…
Less than one week before Homecoming Weekend, June Petrich ’24, learned about the age-old alumni tradition of having sexual relations in one’s old dorm room. Instead of locking their door like most other students, Petrich…
As peer institutions like Brown and Duke University have tightened restrictions amid campus-wide breakouts, Dartmouth appears unscathed by the highly infectious Delta Variant: in a week in which over a dozen COVID tests were processed,…
After spending nearly 2 years in isolation, the ’25s are reportedly looking forward to the debaucherous hookup scene and endless flow of Keystone they’ve heard so much about. Ryan Bauer ’25 says, “I never partied…
Among the many dreaded criminal organizations called “Sports Teams” on campus, the golf team have recently become notorious for their sadism. Ever since Dartmouth turned its golf course into a park last year, golf related…
Students report that the Telluride film playing tonight in Dartmouth’s Hopkins center for the arts is “really something.” “Wow,” elaborated Josh Davis ’24. “That was a film. Wow.” When asked if this was positive or…