Local sources can confirm that a heated debate over the gastronomical merits of various popular dining spots in campus was substantially weakened by the nutritional failures of each and every participant. “Well, it started alright,…
Less than one week before Homecoming Weekend, June Petrich ’24, learned about the age-old alumni tradition of having sexual relations in one’s old dorm room. Instead of locking their door like most other students, Petrich…
As peer institutions like Brown and Duke University have tightened restrictions amid campus-wide breakouts, Dartmouth appears unscathed by the highly infectious Delta Variant: in a week in which over a dozen COVID tests were processed,…
After spending nearly 2 years in isolation, the ’25s are reportedly looking forward to the debaucherous hookup scene and endless flow of Keystone they’ve heard so much about. Ryan Bauer ’25 says, “I never partied…
Among the many dreaded criminal organizations called “Sports Teams” on campus, the golf team have recently become notorious for their sadism. Ever since Dartmouth turned its golf course into a park last year, golf related…
Students report that the Telluride film playing tonight in Dartmouth’s Hopkins center for the arts is “really something.” “Wow,” elaborated Josh Davis ’24. “That was a film. Wow.” When asked if this was positive or…
This just in—you did it! Your far-right congressman was so moved by your copy-pasted email that he’s done a complete 180 on every single one of his policies. Rep. Oren Mascow (R-MO) announced the change…
Hey fuckface! Yeah, that’s right I’m talking to you. Do you smell that? Do you smell that glorious fucking smell on this glorious fucking day that’s wafting down Mass row? That’s right motherfucker. It’s fucking…
This past weekend, the Dartmouth Outing Club’s Sophomore Trips program helped students venture into the outdoors to hike, canoe, and more. STRIPS also provided a valuable opportunity for students still on the housing waitlist to…
As temperatures in your dorm continue to rise, even at night, with no air conditioner, we’re here to answer the question on everyone’s minds: how can you decorate your room accordingly? 1-2 hours a day…
Holy Guacamole! That’s a long handle! Still, I’m sad to say that this sword’s not a new one, on account of the fact that all the swords have already been made. That gem on the…
Dean of the College Dear Returning Students, You are receiving this message, today, because you submitted your Housing Intentions form and requested a bed assignment on campus for fall. We are pleased to announce a…