So, Trent fucked your friend. You’re probably wondering what this means, namely: how can you possibly move on? Here’s our seven-point plan for coping with this big change to your life by becoming Trent’s stepmother….
Oh my gosh, Becky, hi! I knew I’d find you here in KAF, you’re so bad! How was your midterm? Whatever, I don’t care. Anyways, I have the craziest story to tell you. You know…
It appears you’ve been possessed by the ghosts of Darryl Hall and John Oates. You’re probably scared, and confused, and got lots of questions. Fear not—this is treatable. Let’s start with the facts. You’re probably…
“I am so excited,” Professor Leonard Warrington of the English and Creative Writing Department said as you walked into class today. “This text is terrible, it’s racist and sexist and classist and it has lots…
Sources confirm that Biology Department professor Monica McFadden took things much too far after swearing to impress her Biology 54 students. After dropping a casual “ah shit” after an embedded video failed to play from…
Picture this: you’re standing with your arms folded behind your back, slightly to the right of the most powerful guy around and, by God, you’ve got a scheme. You’re the king’s most trusted adviser. Sounds…
Wintry conditions over the past weeks have left a layer of glare ice on many campus sidewalks, making the walkways slicker than cat shit on a freshly-waxed linoleum floor. “I almost completely wiped out on…
Hello onlooker passerby that are crossing through the center of the Green, it is I, the Lone Pine stump that is totally not the former Christmas tree. Oh, don’t be silly, you know who I…
House community events will now be planned by a committee of 1950s businessmen who are attempting to buy the affection of their estranged families, the Residential Life office announced on Friday. The committee members, who…
A new survey of Undergraduate Advisors at Dartmouth College reveals that most are not thrilled with the life choices that led them to become UGAs. “I was a babysitter in high school, so I figured…
I genuinely would not have known that it snowed or, jeez, even realized what the library looks like, without you and your consistent documentation. We don’t have many things we can count on any more–not…
Hello, student! Don’t mind me, bringing in all of my cooking equipment. I work at the Hanover Inn, but I am here now, in your Baker-Berry Library. I know that the 1902 Room is where…